The Dreaded Nerd Riot
Cupertino, CA - Silicon Valley was set ablaze today, as thousands of nerds took to the streets in protest of the Apple iPad’s weeklong delay from “end of March” to “beginning of April”. The bespectacled crowd of awkward protestors, some carrying damning placards, made its way across town in an aimless, enraged march, obstructing traffic and chanting very verbose slogans.
What seemed at first to be a peaceful protest, calling quietly for Apple to revert to the iPad’s original March release date, took a grim turn at 12:34pm, when the sun was reportedly at its zenith.
“I guess they just hadn’t ever [been] in daylight that long before,” shrugs shocked witness Hal Jargonson. “One second, they was singing about Flash support or some such, and the next bricks was flying through the windows of my [expletive] grocery-store!”
Sweaty, malcontent, and bewildered by the sheer size of the world outside of their homes, the frenzied iPad supporters turned on each-other in what police described as a “nerd riot”.
By the time first-responders were on the scene, witnesses say it was far too late. After an initial burst of animal energy, during which time they overturned cars, smashed windows, and broke the multi-touch sensor on several iPhones, the nerds had all collapsed from massive heat exhaustion, and pre-emptive bruising.
“The smell was overpowering,” recalls Ken “Zip” Stillwater, S.W.A.T., “I had to turn the crowd-suppressing hose on them, for Pete’s sake.”
Currently, most of the nerds are resting comfortably at Lucile Packard Children’s Hospital in Santa Clara, a facility better equipped to minister to their birdlike physique. No charges have been filed as of print time, with unsubstantiated reports circulating that the event might be ruled an Act Of God.
A similar nerd riot in Toronto, Canada over the iPad’s end-of-April Canadian release was similarly excused, despite the 43 counts of manslaughter.
“The onus of responsibility here lies on the shoulders of Steve Jobs,” says Crown Prosecutor Liam Rogers, over Skype, “if the nerds wanted to be held accountable for their own actions, they wouldn’t have made him their king.”
When reached for comment regarding these nerd-related tragedies, Steve Jobs gave routers a succinct response.
“This is but a taste of the iPad’s true power. Steel yourselves, my children. Steel yourselves.”