Why Does This Sandwich Maker Have a Logic Board?

1. Who are you?

Andrey “Andrey Summers” Summers; Macinhome Consultant.

2. How long have you worked for Macinhome?

Almost a year. Almost.

3. What’s the most complicated Mac situation you’ve come across?

I once arrived at a gentleman’s home, having been dispatched to fix his email. Once onsite, I discovered that our client in this case was an elderly Japanese man who spoke little-to-no English, and was also quite hearing-impaired.

The computer he was having trouble with was a 2001-era “Kiva” iMac, running Mac OS 9. Within this operating system, the mail client he was using was Microsoft Outlook Express 5. Oh – and every single word was in Japanese.

As Macinhome Consultants, we are expected to communicate clearly with our clients. We are also expected to have a firm grasp on what we’re doing and be up to date on troubleshooting practices. I think you can see how being up-to-date and well-versed in English were almost entirely vestigial skill-sets in this case.

Luckily, the client and myself managed to understand just enough of what the other person was communicating to surmount the language/auditory barrier, and after some baffling poking around I managed to solve his problem in about half an hour.

Don’t ask me how I did it, though, because I still have absolutely no idea.

4. What’s the most frequent problem that you fix (at work)?

Dysfunctional email.

People tend to think of their email application as this mysterious, genie-like benefactor that stops bestowing you with letters when it’s displeased, or you’ve run out of wishes. Really, it’s more like a high-school locker with a combination lock. Sometimes, the lock sticks, but really as long as you have the combination, you’re okay.

In this scenario, your email provider is the popular girl who doesn’t remember your name, whose locker you’re desperately trying to break into.

5. What do you love about your job?

I experience a somewhat unhealthy, narcotic thrill when a client’s computer goes from being a pile of problems, and suddenly becomes the ultimate solution for their workflow, or lifestyle. It’s basically that moment that I’m chasing every day at work. Yeah, it sounds worrisome, but I’m reasonably sure that Macintosh isn’t a gateway drug.

At least not to anything but micro-transactions.

6. What’s the next piece of software/design feature/device that you’d like to see Apple bring to market?

I guess I’m supposed to say “the tablet”, but I’ve never really liked tablets. Honestly, I’d like them to find a way to lower the price of a new MacBook. The world would be so much calmer. When’s the last time you saw a terrorist on 24 hacking CTU’s mainframe on a Mac?

Editor’s Note: After writing this, Andrey started watching season 8 of 24 and was baffled to discover that now CTU does all their hacking on Macs! Also, CTU NY looks exactly like an Apple Store.

7.  What’s one Mac-maintenance habit you wished your clients would undertake on an ongoing basis?

Keep your Applications in the Applications folder! Surely you’ve seen what it’s called.

Andrey also writes for various websites! Look – we have proof!

The Beatles plagiarized this button.

Oftentimes, when people’s personal problems become overwhelming, they turn to an advice columnist. This not only alleviates them of burdensome personal responsibility, and decision making, but also exposes their problems to a wide, ravenous readership.

But who do you write to when your personal problems are Mac-related? Well fret no more, exhibitionist advice-seeker! Macman is here to solve all your problems – publicly!

Dear Macman,

My husband and I have been avid Mac users for the entire fifteen-year tenure of our marriage. However, as the years went by, our “iLife” seemed to get a little stale. A little routine. Hell, Leopard and Snow Leopard barely have different names!

Anyway, in an effort to inject some much-needed spice into our relationship, my husband suggested that we try something a little different. A little daring. He bought us a Dell.

I was fine using it once, and it seemed to make my husband very happy. However, now he wants to use this Dell every night. In fact, last week he went and bought a BIGGER one, which frankly just makes me uncomfortable.

I’m all for trying new things, but all this “crashing” and “defragging” inevitably just feels promiscuous. I miss my wholesome, old Mac lifestyle.

What should I do?

-Embarrassed Ashley

Hello Ashley,

First of all, let me say shame on you. Shame, shame, and a thousand times shame. How do you think your kids would feel if they found out their mother was defragging in their childhood home?

Your husband may want your life to have more Steam, but frankly he probably wants a lot of things – and do you have any idea how many viruses get spread around by people who go from good, faithful Mac usage to Dells, Toshibas and God knows what else?

It’s not too late for you, Ashley. Sit down with your husband. Tell him it’s not Windows 7 that will strengthen your relationship. If anything, it will make it cumbersome and counter-intuitive. Tell him you need to rediscover eachother. Tell him you need to reconnect.

Buy him MobileMe.

-Macman

Mac-ify Your Personal Life

Oftentimes, when people’s personal problems become overwhelming, they turn to an advice columnist. This not only alleviates them of burdensome personal responsibility, and decision making, but also exposes their problems to a wide, ravenous readership.

But who do you write to when your personal problems are Mac-related? Well fret no more, exhibitionist advice-seeker! Macman is here to solve all your problems – publicly!

Dear Macman,

My husband and I have come to a stage in our relationship that I can only describe as lamentable. According to him, I spend far more time with my new 13″ MacBook Pro than I do “strengthening our marriage”. On the one hand, I do admit that things used to be different between us, and a passion was there that has perhaps receded, but on the other hand…my husband certainly doesn’t have a unibody aluminum enclosure.

Is there hope for us, Macman? Is there anything I can do?

-Baffled Belinda

Hello Belinda,
It pains me to hear about how clingy your husband is, but you know how men get! They’re always so emotional, and commitment-centric when it comes to relationships…nowhere near as cool and rational as, say, a 13″ MacBook Pro.

If you really are committed to this schmoe (who, frankly, sounds like a PC user), why not try setting a date with him in your iCal? You could even toggle it to recur weekly, if you don’t feel this will smother you! Heck, you could even change your desktop background in the System Preferences pane to show a photo of yourself with your husband. I assume you have a couple of those from before Mac came into your life.

But seriously, Belinda, level with me: has a decade in a loving, committed relationship truly ever been able to compare with the wondrous bond forged between you and your Apple computer?

Can your husband fan all your documents out in a stack?

Can your husband do wireless, intelligent backups to a Time Capsule?

He probably can’t, Belinda. Because he’s just a man. Your MacBook Pro is your new Life partner. … your iLife partner.

-Macman