CUPERTINO, CA - In a press release issued this morning from their Cupertino headquarters, Apple Inc (Fortune500: APL) publicly apologized for the “humiliating shame-casket” that was the original iPad. With the release of the iPad 2, which rectifies many of the original’s “ridiculous failures”, Apple reveals it no longer needs to hide
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behind “absurd claims that the device is magical, or somehow adequate as a replacement for a computer”.
Within the press release’s comprehensive 60-page index of the original iPad’s myriad shortcomings, the company lists a lack of wireless printing support, a cumbersome third edge, and a filing interface for Pages that “looks like it was designed by a tired child.”
Though it remains unclear how many of these issues have been addressed by the iPad 2, which itself still has limited printing support, and a very basic Pages filing interface, Apple insists during the Press Release’s closing pages that the new tablet’s “lack of a third edge truly elevates it into god-hood.”
“The first iPad was essentially a pop-tart with a screen,” the document reads, “but with the iPad 2, by eliminating the unwieldy abomination’s third edge, we have created a sleek, revolutionary device that just makes so much sense.”
“It’s like it was pooped out by a wizard,” it adds, in emboldened, capitalized letters.
By far not the first of its kind, this morning’s press release joins the ranks of several such documents issued by Apple over the years, including an essay on why the original iPhone was a cruel trick played on Man by Satan, how the Clamshell MacBook was scientifically not even a computer, and how several generations of iPods have been directly linked to mass die-outs of birds and fish across the planet.
The iPad 2 currently enjoys total dominion over everyone ever, but is expected to be declared a crime against humanity some time next spring.