Kneel

behind “absurd claims that the device is magical, or somehow adequate as a replacement for a computer”.

Within the press release’s comprehensive 60-page index of the original iPad’s myriad shortcomings, the company lists a lack of wireless printing support, a cumbersome third edge, and a filing interface for Pages that “looks like it was designed by a tired child.”

Though it remains unclear how many of these issues have been addressed by the iPad 2, which itself still has limited printing support, and a very basic Pages filing interface, Apple insists during the Press Release’s closing pages that the new tablet’s “lack of a third edge truly elevates it into god-hood.”

“The first iPad was essentially a pop-tart with a screen,” the document reads, “but with the iPad 2, by eliminating the unwieldy abomination’s third edge, we have created a sleek, revolutionary device that just makes so much sense.”

“It’s like it was pooped out by a wizard,” it adds, in emboldened, capitalized letters.

By far not the first of its kind, this morning’s press release joins the ranks of several such documents issued by Apple over the years, including an essay on why the original iPhone was a cruel trick played on Man by Satan, how the Clamshell MacBook was scientifically not even a computer, and how several generations of iPods have been directly linked to mass die-outs of birds and fish across the planet.

The iPad 2 currently enjoys total dominion over everyone ever, but is expected to be declared a crime against humanity some time next spring.

An Elated Jobs Imagines Free Apps

CUPERTINO, CA – In a press conference held in front of his elegant Cupertino home, Apple CEO Steve Jobs announced this morning that he’s looking for someone to jailbreak his iPhone. Jobs, whose company is known for their strict regulation of what Applications make it onto their phones, stated that he had “seen the neigbour’s kid use it as a USB stick!” and was worried about “what the hell [he] would do in Europe next month.”

Said Jobs, “You know, you can’t just pop the SIM out of these goddamned things.”

Though the iPhone and its sister products, like the iPod and iPad do not support Flash animation, and in the past Jobs has issued heated statements blasting Adobe for their “resource-hogging” platform, Apple’s magnate did briefly touch today on the fact that his iPhone “just will not show Latin TV without it,” and highlighted that “if there’s anyone around who knows, like, a Mac guy, I heard jailbroken phones can still do that.”

Explaining that jailbreaking phones isn’t technically illegal anymore, Jobs also dropped several hints that he intended to use torrent sites to download and exploit copyrighted software. Citing a decades-old feud with Bill Gates (who he implied somehow owns all software on earth), as well as what appeared to be a misunderstanding of the concept of Free Speech, he challenged the press to find one way the pennies he’s saving will “dig into the billions those fatcats are raking in from Angry Birds.”

The press conference ended suddenly, when Jobs received a call on his as-yet unjailbroken phone, and fussed with it incessantly in an effort to answer it. After a couple of minutes, this commotion became awkward and he put the phone away unanswered, but was too worked up to continue addressing reporters.

His last words on the issue as of press time were “these truly are magical pieces of revolutionary technology.”

“But the porn situation on that neighbour kid’s phone is unreal,” he added.

Our Kind Of Backpack (TM)

Below are Professor Wickman’s recommendations:

1. Organizing your email is huge. Your workflow in Apple Mail will serve you till the ripe old age of thirty. Create both regular and Smart mailboxes to help you parse and organize your incoming email, and make sure you’re set up with an IMAP Gmail account, instead of the older POP format, so your computer talks intelligently to the server, and doesn’t just drag mail one way in a messy, abrasive net.

2. For word-processing, presentation creation and spread-sheets, iWork is an amazing toolset. It’s a hundred bucks cheaper than Microsoft Office, but has all the same functions, and more! Plus, some outlets will give it out for free with the Back-to-school purchase of a Macbook. Useful!
   
3. Snow Leopard was released at the end of August, and for just 35 dollars (the amount any given student wastes on friday night drinks), it will significantly boost your machine’s speed and performance. Technically, you can even upgrade from Tiger with the 35-dollar disc, but you didn’t hear it from me.

4. The AppleStore extends a discount to students purchasing new MacBooks during back-to-school. Combined with one of their payment plans, this could put a machine in your hands in time for the first lecture. Trust me – school goes a lot smoother with a laptop in your bag instead of ten binders.

5. Of course, owning a MacBook shouldn’t just be about taking notes. If you and your friends are watching videos, and finding that the screen dims every two minutes, a handy free application called “Caffeine” from Lighthead will solve this for you. Just click on the little coffee cup to fill it, and your screen won’t dim till you empty the cup. Handy!

6. Backup your data! Leopard and Snow Leopard both come with Time Machine – a simple and phenomenally useful backup tool. If you can afford to grab a $150 external hard-drive, having the peace of mind backups provide is a no-brainer.

7. Surf on over to www.apple.com/pro/tips or drop by Macinhome’s own tip page, to get the most out of your Mac.

8. The iPhone 3G has dropped down to $99 a unit, as long as you sign your livelihood away for a 3-year plan – and why not? This device is incredibly handy for taking your contacts and calendars with you everywhere you go. Email and maps don’t hurt either, if one can afford a data plan.

9. Tofu is a handy Application that reformats text documents to make them more readable. Handy when decoding illegible junk from your prof.

10. Finally, once you do grab that affordable iPhone, here are three handy Apps for students to carry with them on the go:
    MobileTranslator - will help you with your language requirement. Translate any word into any language
    Convert – will convert any value into its equivalent in another denomination.
    Cambridge Talking Dictionary – a dictionary that speaks the words you want aloud.

Go forth, children, and be fruitful in your quests for knowledge. And let that fruit be an Apple.